Sunday, March 18, 2012

Never got to say goodbye...

It's been really hard for me to write this post. Nobody ever wants to say goodbye to someone they never had chance to say hello too.

On March 9th, 2012, Nathan and I got the news we had been waiting for awhile. That we were pregnant! We were both shocked that we did it; but again we were so happy. I calculated my estimated due date to be around November 14th, 2012. A Thanksgiving baby! We were so delighted. So that put me early in my pregnancy, around 4 weeks.

So that was why I had a horrible stomach ache all day that would not go away! I ate 9 slices of pizza for dinner and the stomach ache got a little better, but not much. We laughed in bed that night as Nathan had to work overnights it was a Friday. And we laughed as we were in Walmart earlier that day and was actually going to pick out 2 outfits for our future child not knowing I was actually pregnant. But we decided to wait. Nathan wanted this baby to be a surprise, and that is hard for me, as I really want to know the sex, but I struck strong. But then he put the outfits back and said we will find out the sex, its too hard not knowing.

Later that night is when we found out I was pregnant. The test line was light pink, but a line is a line. We were overjoyed from then on. I had light cramps off and on, but that is normal, as my body was getting used to someone else being in there. But the weekend went on. Andrew was at his dad's house as he is only 3 he doesn't really understand much. But I could not wait till he got home to tell him that I had a baby in my belly.

By Sunday night Andrew was home from his dad's house, and I was so excited to tell him. He was happy, and said I can't see the baby, and I told him he could't see the baby till November when he or she was ready to come out of mommy's belly. Later that night Nathan's older three kids, were picked up by their sister to go visit their mom in Sanford for Spring Break.

Monday morning, I took my other test I had waiting and the test line was still light but still there. Again a line is a line. I went to work Monday and had cramping off and on, but again cramping is normal as my body is adjusting to having someone else in there. I walked from my work to Nathan's work as he had the van. He asked me to walk home as his boss needed to have a vehicle in case he needed to go somewhere, I told him I was cramping a bit, and didn't feel comfortable walking home, but oh well. I started on my walk home, and I got to the light and he texted me to come back and get the van as he didn't care what his boss said, and i shouldn't have to walk. I told him I did not want him to get in trouble, but I would go back to get the van. I went home and tried to take a nap, but Andrew was making that impossible. When Nathan was off work, I went to pick him up, and when we got home before bed, I noticed I was spotting light pink. And I remembered from my pregnancy with Andrew that I did spot light pink off and on, and I have a healthy 3 year old now. But something did not feel right. I had a feeling I was losing the baby, but praying that everything was fine.

I woke up Tuesday morning and I was bleeding. It was over, I lost the baby. It was the most heartbreaking thing ever. I was so hurt, that I let my body fail in having a healthy pregnancy. Nathan was numb and silent, couldn't even talk to me. I was scared that he would not want to try again. We were silent to each other for awhile. I felt so angry with God. Why would he let us see those positive tests if he was never going to let us keep the baby. I felt it was unfair and cruel. Nathan told me not to think like that, as he felt like we jumped the gun, by testing so early, my period wasn't due just yet. But I was pregnant. But not anymore.

The cramping was horrible, the bleeding was horrible. I couldn't stand the pain, it felt worse then having my regular period. Although Nathan disagrees; he said he has seen me in more pain when I am having my regular period. We had several long talks and we decided that we would wait awhile before trying again. My body just was not ready to support a pregnancy yet.

I know what happened with the pregnancy and the baby. I had what is called a Chemical Pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarrige occured before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound. (from www.babyhopes.com) It is hard to accept, and I still cry at times. But everyday it does get a little easier.

I have to remind myself what the IUD did to my body as far as preventing pregnancy. Mirena is a soft, flexible IUD that releases small amounts of hormone locally into your uterus. It gives you birth control you can count on—that lasts for as long as you want, for up to 5 years. Mirena is more than 99% effective at preventing pregnancy. You can try to become pregnant as soon as Mirena is removed. Within a year of having Mirena removed, about 8 out of 10 women succeed at becoming pregnant. If you have a pelvic infection, get infections easily or have certain cancers, Mirena is not right for you. Mirena is also proven to reduce heavy periods in women who choose intrauterine contraception. In my honest opinion I will not get it again, it also thins out the lining of your uterus so you cannot support a healthy pregnancy. Although you can get pregnant on the Mirena, if you suspect your pregnant and you have an IUD, you need to see a doctor immediately.

Although we never got to say hello, we never really said goodbye either. I know you are watching over us in Heaven, keeping all of us safe, and one day we will meet again.

Baby Frazier 3/13/12